This is something I should’ve written about a while ago….
I have an eating disorder.
I have anorexia nervosa. I have struggled with this since I was 13 years old and I’m 18 now. It comes and goes- It has come on fully three or four times now.
Anorexia nervosa is basically starving yourself or restricting eating because you think you’re fat or it’s a coping mechanism.
That’s the general explanation of it if you don’t know what it is.
Everyone’s ED is different and unique. Everyone who has one has it for a different reason. For me it’s mainly a coping mechanism.
Depression ——> ED
It all started in 8th grade when I first got depressed for many issues in my life at the time. It was a way to cope, a way to have “control” over something in my life. Everything was chaotic and this was one thing I could keep track of. I didn’t actually think I was fat when it first developed, that was just an after effect from it.
Junior year of high school it came back full force along with my depression, due to family issues and the after effects of that. I was in full on restriction. During that time I had a really great best friend who I loved, she’s still my best friend. She knew everything every step of the way.
One night we were in her car, having our usual deep conversations, when she said: “It makes me sad. You know I worry about you all of the time. I’m always thinking of you. I’m constantly wondering if you’ve even eaten at all today.”
Those words really hit me. If you know me, I’m all about making others happy, especially those I love. I want to be a therapist, duh. The fact that I was actually HURTING someone I loved….
The next day I actually brought food to school with me and I slowly tried getting back on track. I eventually did, it took a while though.
Here I am, first year of college and it’s back. It’s a struggle and something I’ve dealt with for so long now.
I just wanted to make a post about this and open up a little. I’m not perfect. I struggle. If you have an ED, you’re not alone in this.
I also want to address something: People think that a way to make me eat and feel better about myself is by complimenting my body.
This 100% does not help me at all. Like, thanks for trying but that isn’t the way to help me here. That makes me think of my body, even when it might not be on my mind. It reminds me of my ED. It makes me super uncomfortable.
If you know someone with an ED, I don’t think, at least for me, that making comments on how their body looks will help at all.
I’m not really recovered right now, the intensity of it goes back and forth, but I’m trying my best. 🙂
Thank you for reading xoxo.