Dear Younger Me,
You’ll grow up with a pretty normal childhood. Parents who love you, lots of pets, and a tight bond with your sibling. No worries in your mind.
Years will pass and you’ll witness something that will be etched into your mind forever; something you wish you would have never seen. Your mother will cry and your father will yell, but now they’re together more than 25 years and they’re doing well.
In fourth grade, your best friend will turn on you. You’ll run down the hill crying, being called a “bitch”. At just 9 years old, you’d never used the word, and had only heard it a few times. How could someone you love say that word to you?
In eighth grade you’ll join cheer, and it’ll be your favorite sport, until one girl shoves you away. Another bully on its way.
Oh honey, junior high school is the worst time and I cry while writing this.
You’ll hate your school so deeply. You won’t feel comfortable there or like you fit in. You feel like you don’t have any true friends and this is the first time you feel lonely. You start to notice your body, and learn to hate it- turning to anorexia to try and fix it. Depression consumes you because of a lack of genuine friends, not getting into honor society, home issues, and a lack of confidence in your appearance. Suicide plagues your mind, sitting on your bedroom floor everyday crying and considering swallowing a whole bottle of pills. Eventually, you get tired of feeling so sad all of the time, you put so much effort into trying to fix yourself, and you did for a little while.
In 9th grade a girl will make fun of the way you dress, and use racial slurs to push her pain onto you.
You shouldn’t be wearing so much makeup. You think you have acne and bad skin but you don’t. A little concealer is fine, but your acne is nothing. Don’t cake your face in foundation, you’ll only ruin your skin and make things worse.
In 10th grade you’ll cry in class, because the girls behind you will make fun of you for speaking up, and the teacher will just sit and watch.
Don’t you dare cut your hair short…. not again. Ulta will give you the shortest and choppiest layers. You’ll just go home, sit in front of the mirror, and cry. You’ll end up frying your hair because the only way it looks decent is when its curled.
In 11th grade you’ll become close friends with a girl who always puts you down and meaningfully calls you a “slut”. You stick around even when your mom questions it because you love her so much.
You’ll be walking around school, believing that you’re safe, when a boy thinks it’d be funny to lay a hand on you and strip you of your safety. Sitting in class shaking, you’ll pretend like everything is fine. You don’t want your friends to worry- they’ll probably think you’re being overdramatic.
You’ll get a new cat around this time, but after 8 months of life, she will slowly die right before your eyes. A month later you will get a new cat with the same name. Once the first 8 months of life passes, and she’s still healthy and strong, you’ll let out a sigh of relief. She’ll become your everything. When you feel like you have nothing to live for, she will be one of the things that will keep you alive. She’ll follow you around the house, cuddle you when you cry, and sleep beside you every night. After 4 years of such a tight bond, she will die for an unknown reason. You lose your best friend and you’ll cry in a pizza parlor across the country from where your best friend was found dead on the bathroom floor.
In your junior year of high school, things will turn upside down. No one will know what you’re going through, not even teachers who say they’ll assist but ultimately fail you. You’ll struggle academically, rarely eat, and be surrounded by people who bully you. You’ll find that you’ve always had a sister, not a brother. Tensions are high and you feel like you’re drowning- desperate to find something to hold onto, something to live for.
You’ll go on your first date with a boy who seems perfect on the surface, but is evil underneath. He’ll do things you do not consent to and you will go home crying, running to the shower. But the water won’t wash away the hands that touched you. You’ll be thoroughly convinced it’s your fault. You’re supposed to like him because he’s everything you wanted, and you’ll hate yourself for not liking him. You’ll wish you had done something or even left, not letting it go so far. He’ll make you think that you’ll never be capable of loving another human being.
At the age of 16, your dream will come true. You’ll find a boy who lives up the street from you, drives a nice car, and opens car doors for you. You’ll fall in love and it’ll be the best feeling in the world, but its a double edged sword my dear. Your heart was in love but your mind still tainted with thoughts of negativity and self hatred. Arguments ensue in less than a month, you only have 3 months to be with the one who you love. Maybe it would have never worked out, but time never tells.
Through your heartbreak you’ll experience the most change. You’ll grow and learn new things about yourself. You’ll find your style, learn to love your home, and appreciate your parents sacrifices. You’ll fall head over heels with the views your town has to offer. You’ll find so much new music, and delve yourself into it, finding new favorite artists who will change your life. You’ll find you feel most comfortable and confident in denim, black, and white. You’ll learn to slowly love your parents, just to spite the boy who broke your heart. Though the breakup was one of the hardest and loneliest times of your life, you’ll be so much better later on and be grateful that it happened.
Years later, you still hold on. Daydreaming about going back in time and reliving that summer.
You don’t accept your sister for who she truly is, feeling as if you had lost your sibling and they’re a complete stranger now. Anorexia will come back, insomnia will rule your life, and you’re still heartbroken over the boy who left for a different country. Too tired to fix yourself this time around, you search for outside help. Visiting two different therapists and hating both, motivating you even more to pursue your dream of becoming a therapist, and a GOOD one.
The end of senior year rolls around and you still have no clue where you’ll end up in the fall. It will be a worry plaguing your mind 24/7, but it all works out fine. You end up at a place that you would’ve never expected, but since you’ve learned to love home so much, it’ll be a good choice. Going home on weekends will be the best thing- driving around and loving every single detail about where you live. It’s like a high whenever you’re home.
You’ll think of him even more when you’re home, how strange it is that you can be home and he isn’t, or vice versa because things never line up.
You’ll eventually regain your bond with your sister, stupidly realizing that a change in labels doesn’t change who she is as a person nor changing the relationship you had growing up.
At 17, you move away to college with high hopes and dreams, for reality to come crashing down. Drugs, depression, and sex are the norm around here. You’ll start to question your personal morals and beliefs, but then decide to stick with what you believe in, even if you’re different.
The first week of school and already a boy who’s interested in you. Oh, but he’s just like the rest. He believes a kiss is an invitation for sex.
At 18, your second dream will come true, meeting the most important person in your life. You’ll finally be able to tell her how much she means to you, and let me tell you- it was worth the wait.
You’ll meet a boy who reminds you of your first love, and it will shake you. You’ll find yourself surrounded by so many people, just sitting on the floor crying because you saw him walk by. It will be short lived, but you’re just glad you got a second chance at love.
You’ll feel super lonely when it comes to romance; desperately wanting a boyfriend but knowing all too well that it will never happen.
In college, poetry and music will become so important to hold onto. You’ll finally write a complete song that you’re proud of, with lyrics from the heart.
Although you’re in college, high school drama still exists in other people’s minds; thank god you’re so independent.
Second semester of college starts and it’s so much better than the first. You get a handle on school and living situations, and you find some better friends.
You’ll encounter your ex-bestfriend/bully while out one night. While having a panic attack in a corner, a boy will ask if you want him to kick her out. She bullied you for years, but you’re still too kind of a person to ruin her night, so you tell the boy that everything’s okay.
Flashback to the boys who thought they could touch you, and here we are once again. One night alone in his apartment, terrified that either you or your friend will be raped, maybe both. He plays your favorite music while his dirty hands touch your skin, you desperately try to block out the music because he will not have the power to taint what you love. He won’t understand the meaning of “no” and give you a hard time when you try to leave because it’s “too soon”. Half an hour later and you are free from under him, running back home into the arms of a friend. Crying on a bathroom floor and hugging everyone you love, because all you want right now is some warmth and comfort.
Although all of these things have happened, whether good or bad, they do not define you. They’ve helped shape you, yes, but they are not you. I know it feels like there are scars up your arms of all the times you were damaged and used, but they’re only visible to you. Let a shower wash away all of the stains that were left on your skin from these experiences and stand back up brand new each time.
You’re Kimmy Villa. You’re a hopeless romantic girl who’s in love with sunsets and views of mountains. You grew up in so cal and you have an amazing, loving family. You’re a little girl full of wonder and excitement and that will never change. No one can take that away from you. No one will ever take that away from you.
This was a really difficult post to make, but I felt like I eventually had to make it and post it. The ending is very recent and it just shows that shit still happens. I’ve grown so much and I’ve changed so much but bad things still happen to me. I’m far from perfect.