I wanted to give y’all an update on how I have been feeling lately and my mindset. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and so I wanted to share my thoughts.
What I have been feeling and doing lately:
In a previous post, I addressed how I had started to become more confident in my body. I would take pictures and then look at them afterwards and be amazed at how good I looked. I started to accept myself for who I am, and I was feeling great.
I do still feel that way! I have been exercising quite a bit while in self-isolation. In the past, whenever I would get back into working out and eating healthy, it would just lead me back to my eating disorder tendencies. For the past couple of years I have been genuinely afraid to go down that road again. I stayed away from exercise and eating clean for the most part. Every once in a while I might go for a run, but that was pretty much it. I did not know if I would ever be able to balance a healthy life without becoming obsessed with it. Now having a lot of time, I have been exercising and I am happy to report that I have not fallen back into my old ways. I have maintained a healthy balance for myself and am really happy about it.
My end goal of recovery versus other’s recovery:
A lot of girls who come out of eating disorder recovery, become fitness “inspiration”. Their whole life is dedicated to working out, eating healthy, and living a balanced life. Going through my own recovery, I thought this was the only end point, the only end goal. I almost like internally told myself that if I’m not all into fitness like all these “recovered” girls are, then I’m not fully recovered.
I think I’ve finally gotten to a place where I have chosen my own end goal. I have been working out lately and trying to eat a bit healthier, but I’ve also been eating “unhealthy” foods such as ice cream, McDonalds nuggets, canes chicken fingers, etc. The list goes on. Even with eating all of that, I have still maintained my sanity and mental health. I have seen progress in my body becoming more toned and strong, and I have not fallen off the routine yet.
I’ve decided that this is my end goal. I want to get to a place where I feel strong, but not let it consume my life. I want to eat whatever I want and also have some healthy meals along the way as well. I want to maintain and maybe workout once or twice a week, and that’s it. I feel good in my body as I am now. I will feel good in my body next month, and so on.
Summary:
Overall, I am the most confident in my body I have ever been. I don’t think this ever ends. I think we all have days where we need to remind ourselves of the badass people we are. I have been feeling great about my balance in exercise and healthy eating. I have not fallen back into old eating disorder tendencies. Lastly, I have discovered my own recovery end goal. I feel like everyone’s is different, and I have found mine.
Kimmy Villa 